Things I Learned On The Toilet, Volume I

I do a fair amount of reading, and like most patriotic Americans, I do most of that reading on the toilet. A few years ago, a friend turned me on to Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, an annual publication specifically designed to be read while pooping. I currently own about 15 of them, and I've read them all at least twice. As such, I've picked up more than a few useless facts. Here are some.

1. There is, in fact, a heirarchy of clowns. Top of the pile is the whiteface clown, characterized by a mostly white face, often with bright red triangles around their eyes. He's the one dishing out the pies and seltzer. Next comes the grotesque whiteface clown, a notable example being Bozo the Clown, featuring a multi-colored wig, sometimes with a bald cap. This clown is often the butt of jokes. Third is the auguste clown, with Clarabell from "The Howdy Doody Show" being the best known. And finally, the tramp, bottom of the pecking order, best portrayed by Charlie Chaplin in his "Little Tramp" movies.
2. James Buchanan was our only bachelor president, and it has been speculated for decades whether or not he was gay.
3. Famed hairdresser Vidal Sassoon was a member of The 43 Group in post-WWII England. He and his comrades fought in the streets against the remaining Nazis and fascists who were still sermonizing to the public.
4. General George S. Patton came in fifth in the 1912 Olympics in the "modern pentathlon", which was designed to showcase the skills required of the military. He placed high in horseback riding, fencing, swimming, and running. However, he missed the target twice during the shooting event, and lost to four Swedes.
5. Thomas Adams, the inventor of Chiclets, was actually trying to create a cheap rubber substitute. He received the chicle (sap of the Mexican sapodilla tree) from none other than General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, the man responsible for the massacre at the Alamo. He hit upon the idea to manufacture gum after noticing how much Santa Anna liked chewing the chicle.
   
6. President Zachary Taylor's remains were exhumed in 1991 to test a theory that he had been assassinated by arsenic poisoning, posited by one Clara Rising. The relatively low levels of arsenic found could be explained by the medications and folk remedies of the day (which often contained things like lead, arsenic, and mercury). The results destroyed Rising's budding literary career.

Isn't history cool? If you too would like to be a washroom wizard, check out any of Uncle John's Bathroom Readers, available at fine bookstores everywhere.

- Josh